The Christian Nihilist

Name:
Location: Lexington, Kentucky, United States

I am a 24 year old aspiring fiction writer. I am currently working on short stories and trying to get them published. Of course, I eventually want to write novels. I just write what comes to me and try not to appeal to any particular genre. My tastes in fiction run the same way. I'll read anything as long as its interesting and gives me another view of the world.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Apology

What, you say, is this Christian Nihilist nonsense? Could there be a greater oxymoron? Well, one must understand that the Christian augments the Nihilist, so that I am not saying I am a Christian and I am a Nihilist, for that would only be possible in a case of schizophrenia which, to my knowledge, I do not suffer from.

I was hesitant to name this blog thusly due to some negative ideas surrounding the term Christian Nihilist that can be found if one does a search for it. Some define the term as refering to hyper-fundamentalist Christians, saying they are Christian Nihilists in the sense that they care about nothing but advancing their Christian agenda. I want to be clear that this is NOT what I mean when I say Christian Nihilist. I simply mean that I believe in God and Jesus as his son but I reject many of the conventions of this world. I believe that without God, life is ultimately meaningless. In this sense I see the writer of the book of Ecclesiastes as being the original Christian Nihilist, for they felt that deep abyss of life, but knew where the answer lies.

The origin of my Christian Nihilism lies partly in my thought of what I would believe if God had not revealed himself to me. I am not the type of person that will blindly believe in something because I was raised to believe it or for any other reason, so if I had no reason to believe in God then I would surely be a complete Nihilist/Agnostic. I then realized that even with my Christian belief I still have some Nihilistic tendencies in the way I think and live my life. I have been around Christians my whole life but I have never fit in with them as a whole, or with anybody else for that matter. I have always felt like a bit of an outcast. Because of this I came to resist society's designs upon me, to refuse to think and behave in the conventional mode and display the farce of personality that it seemed everyone expected of me. I refused to play ball with society, and for the most part I still do. But when I first started having these thoughts, my Nihilistic side began to grow to the point that it jeopardized my Christian side. I all but ceased communication with God, had little contact with others, and thus the abyss loomed before me and for awhile I fell into despair. I felt incapable of functioning in this world, and began to think it would be better if I took myself out of it, but I decided against this because I see myself as a survivor, and so decided to trudge on into the void. This was during my first couple of years of college when I had no friends and my life consisted of going to class and then going back to my little dorm room. But after a while things got better. I got involved in a Christian organization, and although I had my problems with that organization and still never felt like I fit in completely, I managed to make some of the best friends I've ever had and began communicating with God again. So the Christian began to grow and the Nihilist receded somewhat, but I still retain some Nihilistic views on life and society.

And that's how I came to see myself as a Christian Nihilist.

That's all for now. Please leave a comment. I'd love to hear your views no matter what they are.